#49: When Everything Feels Tainted + the Lens We Use

In this final episode of season #4 - we talk about the importance of him validating the totality of her experience - not just what she has experienced since D-day but before then as well.  Here is what we know - women need validation (as they look in the rear view mirror) and view everything as catastrophic before they can look back and see anything that is good.   During our conversation - we take some time to talk about equanimity.  We talked about equanimity in this podcast if you want to hear more.  But Jason said some things in this podcast that I thought were SO validating so I hope you will listen for them.  In particular, we discuss this concept of everything being run through the lens of betrayal (when it comes to the marital relationship) and leveraging what we have experienced and using it for good.   We also discuss some of the things that make it hard for a husband to validate her when it all feels tainted and in the podcast, we give antidotes for each of these: He fears:  "what if she stays there and never sees anything as good or positive from the past?” Activates his shame - “I’m a horrible person.”   He wonders:  “when do I get a voice”? (Holding onto equanimity.  WARNING: we camp here for quite a bit!)  I love it when Jason said:  “the level of injury from all the betrayal (acting in and acting out) overshadows the injury from relational issues….  Everything must run through the lens of betrayal, even today.”   Him being misinformed:  “But I’m not doing it now!” For men that have a performance oriented identity:  “I’ll never be able to do enough.”  We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!    Applications are about to close for the next RLW Retreat, October 6-9 in Scottsdale, AZ.  Click here to apply! Interested in a women’s support group?  Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next group in late September / early October. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.  We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!  Click here to subscribe to Shelley’s {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason’s list.  Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.