7 - Mind the Gap

Instead of focusing on the outcome, we need to "Enjoy the Journey". In this episode, Rabbi Lehrfield continues the discussion using our acronym Be Free. You can hear more from Dr. Dweck here: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwipi-3RjLbzAhWYvp4KHaBkCEEQwqsBegQIBRAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DhiiEeMN7vbQ&usg=AOvVaw0ZqEGfXWawIoLla_rt0vmUYou can get a copy of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Dr. Carol Dweck here:https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322Hey everyone. I'm Menachem Lehrfield. Welcome back to Zero Percent. We've been discussing the importance of the growth mindset, and delving into the work of Professor Carol Dweck. We're using the framework of freedom and our acronym BE FREE. In our last episode, we talked about the importance of being curious, asking questions and the focus Judaism places on those questions. This week, we continue our discussion with our first E, of BE FREE, which is enjoy the journey.Carol Dweck writes in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, that in the fixed mindset, everything's about the outcome. If you fail, or if you're not the best, it's all been wasted. The growth mindset allows people to value what they're doing regardless of the outcome. And this is so crucial because when you look at people with a fixed mindset, it really all is about the outcome, and more importantly, what other people perceive as success in that outcome. It doesn't matter so much whether or not I succeed. What really matters is do I look like a success.And when everything is judged based on the outcome, what ends up happening is instead of discovering what we're really good at, instead of improving in certain areas or even better yet, instead of just enjoying something I'm not good at, somebody with a fixed mindset shies away from anything that they're not good at instantly, naturally. And if we don't try new things, we don't get better at new things. And what ends up happening is the gap ends up widening more and more and more. And we see this in really all areas of progress. Oftentimes we see a lot of these things, most notably in sports and athletics, and it's not that those are necessarily more profound, more detrimental, more positive. It's just that oftentimes in sports, you see a much... I'll say you have a much clearer delineation of progress, of lack of progress, of how these things work.So we see with children in sports, kids who are good at certain sports, continue playing those sports. And what happens? Because they continue playing them and because they can continue trying, they get better. The kids who are not so good instantly ended up not playing because they know that when they play it, they don't play very well. People are going to make fun of them. They're much better off shying away from and not playing that sport. And then what ends up happening? Obviously they don't get any better because they don't try and they don't participate.So you end up going through whatever it is, the next 10, 20, 50, really the rest of your life, where those who are athletic and good at sports end up getting better at sports. Those who are not so athletic end up getting worse or staying the same, not improving at all. And that gap that was somewhat small at the beginning, ends up widening more and more and more, until one day you look back and you say, "Wow, these kids are so athletic, and these kids are not." Is that somebody with a fixed mindset would say, "You see, it's true. I told you I wasn't good at basketball. Look, they're so much better than me."The reality is that the only reason why that person is so much better than you is because that person continued trying and continued playing, whereas you didn't because you didn't want to embarrass yourself by trying something you weren't instantly good at. And that's true with everything, right? The kids who are labeled the smart kids in kindergarten, first grade, ended up remaining the quote unquote smart kids for the rest of their academic career. And the kids who are considered the so to speak dumb kids end up staying the dumb kids. What we we're seeing is that people who are not instantly good at something, especially if they have a fixed mindset, shy away from participating, which is exactly the one thing they need to do to get better at the thing that they're trying.And that's why you have the same kids winning the spelling bee and the science fair year after year after year after year, which really isn't teaching them anything. Because oftentimes the kids who are winning are not the kids who are putting in the effort. They don't put in effort. They just coast through. And the kids on the other end of the spectrum fall off as well, because they've already decided they're not good at it. If we can change our mindset and learn to really embrace the journey, the process, so that I can do something that I'm not good at, and that's okay.Now, I think it's really crucial, and I wish we had time to delve into all of these things deeper, but we're just limited in our time. But I think it is crucial, especially as we move into adulthood, to figure out what it is that we're good at, to figure out what it is that I can devote my life to. But that doesn't mean I can't do something that I'm not good at. Now, I wouldn't advise spending your entire life doing something that is going to be a constant struggle. I wouldn't advise doing something your entire life that you're not naturally good at. Happiness, I think, is really the product of using your signature strengths in a way that makes an impact on the world and you find meaning in your life.So yes, it's important to know what it is you're good at, but somebody with a growth mindset can do something as a passion, as a hobby that they're not good at, and that's okay. I could be a terrible dancer, but if I like to dance, if I have a growth mindset, I'll be confident and say, "You know what? I enjoy this. I'm going to do it." And I could be a horrible musician, or I have a horrible voice. But if I like to sing, I'm going to sing. Somebody with a growth mindset has the ability to do the things that they enjoy regardless of how it looks and regardless of whether or not they are so to speak good at it. Not only that, someone with a growth mindset can try new things. And the more we try new things, the more we discover things that we're good at that we never would have known otherwise. There are so many things that you are probably fantastic at that you have no idea. There is so much potential we have inside, and we have no clue what that is.There's a famous story of the Netziv, Who's a great sage. And he wasn't doing very well in school. And his parents had decided... And he overheard this conversation they were having in the kitchen. He ever heard his parents having this conversation where they said to one another, they said, "He's not doing very well in his studies. He's not going to grow up to be a sage. Why don't we have him apprentice as a shoemaker? At least this way he can make a living. He can do something with his life and do something productive." And he heard this conversation and he decided he was going to really devote himself to his studies. And he did. And he ended up becoming one of the greatest ages we've ever had, the Netziv. And he said, "Can you imagine, after 120, I would have gotten up to heaven, and they would have said to me, 'Where are all the books that you wrote? Where all of your Talmudic discourses? Where is everything? Where's the Netziv?" And he would have said, "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a shoemaker."That's a scary thought, isn't it? There are so many things that we can become. We have the potential inside to do so many things, but if we don't try those things, we're never going to know. The growth mindset is the internal motivation that says, "You know what? I'll try that. Why not? I've never done it before, but that's exciting." Because it's not about the end result. It's about the journey. It's about the process. So as parents, I think personally, we have the responsibility to encourage our children. And when I say encourage, in my family, that means bribing children to do things that they don't necessarily want to do right away, because I think that they're going to enjoy it. My children live in Colorado. I strongly believe that as they become teenagers, they are going to love and want to ski. So I will bribe my children to go to ski lessons for X amount of time. Once they've done enough lessons that they can get down in mountain comfortably and safely, then it's up to them.If they want to do lessons, I'm happy to put them in. If they don't want to do lessons, then we're done. And I have this argument with my children now. I'm like, "I'm not bribing you with a prize to go to ski school. Ski school is the prize. Do you have any idea how much money it costs between... and what a pain it is between schlepping up there, paying for the lesson and the lift ticket and the equipment and the rentals? I mean, it's unbelievable. There's no way I'm going to Target to buy your prize after all of that. That is the price. You can do it if you want. But at the beginning, I will bribe you. At the beginning, I will pay for all that and take you to Target for the prize afterwards, because I want to give you the opportunity to say that you really tried it."For full transcript, visit: www.joidenver.com/zeropercent/7---mind-the-gap