27: How to Heal and Move On After Divorce

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 27, How to Heal and Move on After Divorce Are you a parent worried about your child through your divorce? Here’s a link to my s Free Parent Class http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingthroughdivorce  In This Episode:   It’s important to identify the emotional pain by naming the feelings. Dr. Siegel says “When we can name it, we can tame it!”.  This is so true.  Common feelings are feelings of betrayal, fear, guilt, hope, anger, regret, etc...  Recognizing and accepting the feelings that surface, release their grip on you.  Also, it is important to recognize your belief systems that have been put into place through it all.  Some painful ones that I hear in my practice is “I am unlovable.” “I should’ve done something earlier.” “I am a bad person.” and such.  If those are coming up for you, therapy may be the best option to help you heal.  When we experience trauma, our brain functions differently.  It can change so many things in our lives.  Divorce is no different.  If left unprocessed in a healthy way, one my feel anxiety when connecting with new people such as dating.  Perhaps feeling clingy, untrusting, or even standoffish and unable to accept the other’s compliments.   For parents, unprocessed trauma could reduce their capacity to be fully present with their kiddos and cause them to feel “numb” to things that they previously enjoyed.  It could cause them to be irritable or to have a shorter fuse with their kiddos.  And, for many it just feels like they are stuck, destined to feel that way forever.  Trauma distorts time. It’s important to seek support not only to help you grieve the loss of the dreams you had when you got married, but also to help you reprocess the trauma, so that you don’t repeat the same situation with someone new as you delve into a new relationship.   Some people grieve, then find someone new, while others find someone new then feel those feelings.  Now, I’ll bet you can imagine which one has the best results.  That’s why it’s recommended for people that are newly divorced not to dive right into a new relationship.  The excitement of a new relationship can disguise the pain for a while.  But, after the newness wears off, then it can surface. It can leave people with new relationship challenges.   Also, jumping in too soon after divorce can complicate the adjustment process for the children too.  Some people have a big worry of not being able to financially support themselves without someone else, so getting in a relationship right out of divorce is part of their freedom plan. Unfortunately, relationships that exists as a financial stability piece can dissolve and be more destructive than ever.  So it’s super important to heal first, and then move on after you are in a healthier spot, emotionally and financially.     After your divorce, be sure to take time to decompress.  Engage in an activity that makes you feel good, other than dating or partying.  Something that ignites your feeling of self again: volunteering, exercise, connecting with friends, painting... Only you know what does this.  Movement can do amazing things for your emotional state.   Identify and connect with your support system.  Friends, family, therapist, etc.  the reason why this helps is because we are wired as social beings.  This means, we have an innate need to feel heard, cared about, ... in the heart and mind of someone else.